The Big D Day
An Excerpt from COSD’s Guide for Children on Separation and Divorce, available at the NFRC Bookstore.

When Dad told me to stop doing my homework and Mom said, "Let's all sit cozy on the floor," I knew something was up. (I always fight with my brother when we're snuggling on the floor.) But I didn't expect this: They both told us that we would be a family, but without both parents together. Why? I had no idea. Mom and Dad explained that they had problems that they could not resolve. They were not happy with each other. They were happy with us and loved each of us very much. Do you know what it feels like when you've been out in the cold too long? Your nose and fingertips and toes freeze? That's how I felt after being told: numb!! I couldn't even think-it's like everything was frozen in time and it seems like I felt that way for a long time. I wouldn't talk to Mom or Dad about it. All I wanted to know at that moment was where I would live and what was going to happen. Even though this was a terrible time, my parents did a good thing for me-they arranged for me to meet with other people who knew a lot about separation and divorce, and those people are helping me understand a lot of things. So let me tell you some of the things I've learned. Maybe it will help you understand better too.

What does it mean when parents decide to separate or divorce from each other? When parents separate from each other, they decide that they will no longer stay married to each other and will live in separate homes. Parents who have not been married to each other sometimes decide that they will not be together or live together any more also. When parents separate or agree not to live together any more, children think about their lives and families in ways that they didn't have to before. They need to think about when they will see a parent; whom they will live with, and how their parents will act when they go to a special event for their child, like a baseball game.

Do Kids Cause Divorce?
Kids DON'T cause divorce. They usually feel badly about it. Kids usually feel safe when their parents are together, so that even if parents have been fighting, it's still painful when their parents separate. Sometimes kids think that because they weren't doing well in school or didn't put their toys away, their parents got into a fight and got separated because of them. That isn't the case. If your friends got into a fight while you were in a totally separate place or involved in another activity, did you cause the fight? No. No one, not even kids, can "make" their parents fight, or separate or divorce. The same is true for kids whose parents never married. Kids can't cause them not to be together.

Why Do Parents Separate or Divorce?
Sometimes, the reasons that parents separate or divorce are "bigger" than kids can understand. Parents were probably very happy when they first met. They loved each other, had fun together, talked with each other and shared what they liked to do. Maybe one parent changed a lot, and the other didn't like the change. Maybe one parent wanted a very different life from the one they had together. Or maybe things that were really important to one parent didn't matter to the other parent at all—like having a lot of money, or partying with friends, or a zillion other things that might happen. The reasons for your family's separation will be different from mine. But still, we will be going through the same tough times because our families are changing.

Parents, like all human beings, make mistakes and even do things that hurt each other. Some parents can work out their problems and forgive each other; others can't. No one can make two people "stay" together, just like no one can make them separate. The two people decide those things for themselves.

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