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A Roller Coaster of Emotions
Kids Share with Kids What Separation and Divorce Feels Like
When we love people like our parents and brothers and sisters, it hurts and it is scary when the family changes. We don't just have one feeling. We usually have many.
Numbness
When you're really, really cold, do your fingers and toes ever tingle? Mine do! ! You may be so numb you don't know how you feel. Sometimes "feeling frozen" protects us from dealing with the pain. What kinds of pain do you or your friends feel? If you're feeling numb, maybe there's something that's hard to handle, something that really scares you. Maybe you think that if you let yourself feel sad, you'll never feel happy again or you won't stop crying. After a while I learned that I could cry, but still enjoy being with my friends or playing a game or taking a walk with Mom or Dad. Sometimes a hug from Mom and Dad helped, too.
Losses
I felt afraid that I might have to move, or give up my dog or to go a new school. Most of all, I was afraid that I would never see the parent I don't live with and that they would forget all about me or not like me anymore. The hardest loss for me was thinking that my family would never be together again. I keep looking at the picture we took last Thanksgiving and I feel very sad that we will no longer be together as the family that I knew. Dad said that it would take some time, but that I'll look at the picture some day soon and smile, carrying those special family times in my heart-forever!
Anger
Like I said before, I've seen a lot of my friends get angry. Some throw things in the locker room; others play a sport with all of their might to get out all of their anger. Sometimes I wake up angry and I don't know why; then I pick on my brother and feel bad. Other times, I know that I feel angry because I don't want my parents to split up. I feel angry at my mom or dad for saying mean things about each other. I don't want to have two homes. I don't want things to change. Sometimes I think that it's easier to be angry than it is to feel sad. I think that a lot of people cover up their sadness with anger. Do you? I guess I feel angry because I can't make my parents get back together.
Worries
I worry about everything: when will I talk to my other parent? When will I see my other parent? Will Mom have enough of the medicine that she needs? Will there be enough food? Will I take the right bus to each parent's house? Will I have to listen to my parents fight? Will Dad move out of town? Will I be able to go to college or get a job? Will the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus find my brother at my other parent's house? Will Grandma and Grandpa still come and see me and love me? I could spend all my time worrying. Sometimes I worry so much that I can't think or concentrate in school.
Guilt
I thought that my mom and dad were separating because I didn't listen to them. I didn't clean up when they asked me to; I may have told you that I wouldn't eat certain foods they put on my plate. But they kept on telling me that it wasn't my fault; that is really was just between the two of them.
Shame
Some kids feel all alone. They don't even talk to their friends about the divorce because they feel ashamed-like they are the only one whose family has gone through this. Did you know that 50 % of parents get divorced? Sometimes because kids feel like they're the only ones whose parents get divorced, they won't tell even their best friends about the separation.
There are one million children each year whose parents get separated or divorced. You aren't the only one. It does feel different to have your parents separate. Anything new and different feels funny until you get used to it.
Relief
A lot of kids feel relieved that their parents aren't together anymore. My friend Joey felt relieved because his parents fought every day, all night long and sometimes threw things at each other. Joey was really glad that he didn't have to listen to his parents fighting anymore. He said he felt like bricks had been lifted from his shoulders. But he felt sad at the same time, and worried about what would happen next.
Acceptance and Hope
When your parents first tell you, you wonder how you will ever get through it. For a while, this might be all you think about, or maybe you want to run from anything that reminds you of the separation. Little by little, you begin to see that you still have a family; your friends and teachers care about you and you can still have a good life. Not every kid has it easy. Some kids' parents don't call them or see them or help support them by paying child support. After a while, you don't think so much about the divorce or separation any more and you have a life-your life!!! You have survived and you can even think about the things you want to do without always thinking about the separation. Even if you have that hole in your heart, you can still enjoy a special event or occasion like your birthday. You may even feel more comfortable telling your parents how you really feel. You may feel very special that you have two families and two homes and a lot of nice things to look forward to. I think that I'll always feel sad, but I feel safe and loved at Mom's and Dad's houses and I'm trying out for the baseball team, too. The other night Joey slept over and we watched movies and laughed all night.
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